Some "Perspective"

When a new mother is dealing with postpartum depression or the emotions that often accompany the postpartum period, some well-meaning people in their lives may try to offer them "perspective" to help them "snap out of it." What people do not realize, however, is that the mother battling postpartum depression often has a distorted translation of messages communicated by others, particularly when it comes to parenting. Therefore, no matter how benign the remark or how gently the remark is made, mothers with PPD most likely assign negative meaning to it. Consider this exchange:

Concerned Family Member: You should be happy that you have a healthy baby!

Mother's Translation (in her own mind): I must be a horrible mother to not appreciate the fact that my child is healthy. That's all I should want! Why am I so sad all the time when my baby is completely okay? There is something wrong with me. I don't deserve to be a mother.

When a new mother is dealing with depression, sadness, anger, or guilt, perspective is not what she needs. She knows that she is lucky to have such an amazing, healthy baby. She understands that this time is precious and that she should be enjoying it to the fullest extent. Feelings do not have on/off buttons and they build like layers, one on top of the other. Mothers need to feel safe in sharing not only the positive feelings, but the negative ones as well after having their babies. What a new mother needs is validation, acknowledgement, and empathy.

Validation means that mothers are recognized as human beings who have a variety of different feelings, none of which make her a better or worse person or mother.

Acknowledgement means that mothers are allowed to have a voice in making sense of their own feelings after childbirth. Their feelings should not be diminished or blown out of proportion. "Oh, its just hormones, you will get over it in time" is not an acknowledgement, nor is "You should seek help right now! You could hurt the baby!"

Empathy is a reflection of one's feelings back to them by the observer. In order for a mother to feel understood, it is important for her support people to reflect her feelings back to her in order to develop optimal understanding and communicate that their intention is to understand, not to judge. Here's an example of an empathic statement:

Support Person: It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed with all of the changes in your life right now.

One of the most important needs for a new mother is that of feeling as though she is understood and valued by those around her. In the midst of the exciting time of adding a new family member - a precious baby! - remember that the new mother is also at a vulnerable place in life and needs to feel surrounded by love and support.