Some "Perspective"

When a new mother is dealing with postpartum depression or the emotions that often accompany the postpartum period, some well-meaning people in their lives may try to offer them "perspective" to help them "snap out of it." What people do not realize, however, is that the mother battling postpartum depression often has a distorted translation of messages communicated by others, particularly when it comes to parenting. Therefore, no matter how benign the remark or how gently the remark is made, mothers with PPD most likely assign negative meaning to it. Consider this exchange:

Concerned Family Member: You should be happy that you have a healthy baby!

Mother's Translation (in her own mind): I must be a horrible mother to not appreciate the fact that my child is healthy. That's all I should want! Why am I so sad all the time when my baby is completely okay? There is something wrong with me. I don't deserve to be a mother.

When a new mother is dealing with depression, sadness, anger, or guilt, perspective is not what she needs. She knows that she is lucky to have such an amazing, healthy baby. She understands that this time is precious and that she should be enjoying it to the fullest extent. Feelings do not have on/off buttons and they build like layers, one on top of the other. Mothers need to feel safe in sharing not only the positive feelings, but the negative ones as well after having their babies. What a new mother needs is validation, acknowledgement, and empathy.

Validation means that mothers are recognized as human beings who have a variety of different feelings, none of which make her a better or worse person or mother.

Acknowledgement means that mothers are allowed to have a voice in making sense of their own feelings after childbirth. Their feelings should not be diminished or blown out of proportion. "Oh, its just hormones, you will get over it in time" is not an acknowledgement, nor is "You should seek help right now! You could hurt the baby!"

Empathy is a reflection of one's feelings back to them by the observer. In order for a mother to feel understood, it is important for her support people to reflect her feelings back to her in order to develop optimal understanding and communicate that their intention is to understand, not to judge. Here's an example of an empathic statement:

Support Person: It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed with all of the changes in your life right now.

One of the most important needs for a new mother is that of feeling as though she is understood and valued by those around her. In the midst of the exciting time of adding a new family member - a precious baby! - remember that the new mother is also at a vulnerable place in life and needs to feel surrounded by love and support.

The Fourth Trimester: Keeping Baby Close

While reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin, I ran across the term "fourth trimester." Doing some research on the term, I found that it originated from Dr. Harvey Karp, who wrote Happiest Baby on the Block, which I haven't had the pleasure of reading. I pondered what this term meant and felt that I certainly could relate to it.

The idea of the fourth trimester suggests a period of transition between the womb and the outside world where the baby gets used to his new experiences and learns to trust his caregivers. Dr. Harvey Karp suggests that the easiest way to help a newborn transition is to make his world as "womblike" as possible in the few months following birth. This idea seems to run counter to the "typical" ways that some parents approach newborn care in the early days. My own instincts as a new mother seemed to baffle me in that way, as I felt that nothing I did was on-target with the societal norms for taking care of newborns.

When my children were born, my first instinct was to hold them as close to me as possible for as long as possible. One of the most startling emotional sensations I had when they were born was this strong sense of empathy for how those tiny babies were feeling in their first days in the outside world. I thought, 'This has to be a scary time for them. They have left everything they have ever known and emerged into a completely foreign world surrounded by nothing they have ever experienced before.' I had this overwhelming urge to protect them from these feelings of fear and yes, most likely trauma, as they adjusted to the world outside the womb.

Keeping my babies close came naturally to me. I figured out early on that the notion of putting baby in the crib to sleep felt unnatural to say the least. I found that my babies and I were most calm when they were held next to me, and I spent a great deal of those first few months with those little guys in my arms constantly. I began co-sleeping with my oldest early on and carried the tradition forward with my youngest as well. I found that they needed the comfort of my presence to help them sleep at night and I, admittedly, needed their presence to feel less anxious as well.

Dr. Karp emphasizes the idea of the five S's in order to help soothe babies' crying - swaddling, side or stomach position, shushing sounds, swinging, and sucking. I think all of these ideas have their merit, but I think that you can sum it all up in a word - presence. Babies need the presence of their significant others to feel secure. They need attentiveness to their needs with a mind for their comfort in a world so new to them.

Resources:

http://www.parentmap.com/article/babys-fourth-trimester-helping-your-baby-make-a-peaceful-transition-from-womb-to-world

Gaskin, I.M. (2003). Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. Bantam Dell: New York.

Karp, H., M.D. (2003). The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer. Bantam Books Trade Paperbacks: New York.

Introducing...Me!

Hi, my name is Traci Ferris. This is my first attempt at a blog. My most obvious feature for anyone upon first meeting is that I am clearly an introvert and I find that not only does this translate to face-to-face interaction but also face-to-computer interaction. I am notorious about second-guessing what I write, going back and trying to reword things rather than taking a stream of consciousness approach. Therefore, it makes keeping up with a blog seem like a tedious chore.

I am almost 30...my birthday is in a couple of months, so I might as well just embrace it and say that I am 30.  I grew up in Georgia and earned my Master's degree and license in Marriage and Family Therapy there.

I have a wonderful husband named Greg who I have been married to for almost 10 years. Our anniversary is in a few months and its so amazing to say that we have been together for a decade! So yes, we got married young - that seems like such a scandalous idea these days, even to me. Getting married at 20?!? But why?!? Well, we were in love and he was in the military and I did not take a very optimistic view of the long distance relationship. So here we are. He is my best friend and my true love. We have made it through some of the best times and the worst times.

I have two handsome and amazing sons. My oldest is three. He is very much like his mommy - emotional, quick-tempered, and internally-focused. And emotional. :) He is so intelligent and when he is thinking, I can almost see the wheels turning in his head as he processes his environment and his place in it. Oh, I forgot to mention that he is stubborn. When he digs his heels into something, he either gets his way or kicks and screams himself into cooperation.

My youngest son will be eight months old soon. He is so laid-back and loves to smile. He was a preemie, born at 36 weeks, but you could never tell that now. He knows exactly what he wants when he wants it, and then he is sure to let us know. I think he's going to be more like his daddy in personality. When he was born, I declared that my babymaker was closing its doors for good, but now I am reconsidering. I love watching these little guys grow up and grow together. Why not keep things interesting and grow the family a little more?

I have recently begun a postpartum doula business. I am a Marriage and Family Therapist with five years in the field, including my training years, and I feel that my own personal struggles through postpartum depression are leading me down a path to help other new mothers and families transition into new parenthood. My goal is to offer therapy to women in the postpartum stage while also providing logistical support through traditional doula care. I also want to work with women dealing with antepartum depression, emotional issues dealing with fear of childbirth, grief and loss, as well as infertility/trying to conceive. Basically, all things that have to do with child-bearing.

My biggest hurdle right now is that I am waiting for approval from the Texas MFT Licensing Board to transfer my Marriage and Family Therapy license to Texas from Georgia. I have a boatload of complaints about that, but I'll leave those for another day.

I am pleased to meet anyone who is interested in postpartum issues and in the journey to and through parenthood. It is the most life-changing, life-enriching experience there is, it allows people to look at themselves through a new lens and really define themselves in new ways. Enjoy!